Durarara!! — Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima Interview.
Translations by anni_fiesta @ LJ.Question 1. What do you think of him?
Ahh? I have nothing whatsoever to say about Shizu-chan, since I hate him and all. But I looove humans. Why do I hate him, you ask? Because he’s unreasonable. In short, he’s a protozoic creature. Despite that, though, he’s got his sharp moments so he reeeeeally gives me a pain. Can’t he just hurry up and die already~?
First of all, call him a flea and then we can talk. Second of all, I don’t even know enough about him to be able to talk about him and I DON’T WANT TO KNOW EITHER SO DON’T FUCKING MAKE ME!!! ……I could explode just thinking about him. Listen, you. I fucking HATE him.
Question 2. If you had to pick something you like about him, what would that be?
If I had to pick something I like…? Haven’t I made it painfully clear already that I hate him? If I had to? If I had to, huh… (sighs). Occasionally - like, oc-ca-sion-allyyy - he could bring me some entertainment. Aha, I’m not saying it’s his intention or anything. He’s fun to poke fun at - I have to keep in mind that it may cost me my life, of course. Even though Shizu-chan doesn’t love me - in fact, I’d have politely refused to be loved by him since it would have been a hell of trouble - but I wouldn’t mind being loved more by the chain of serendipity Shizu-chan is sometimes good at jingling.
Something I like!? Were you listening to me or have your ears grown deaf!? If that flea had 1% of trustworthiness in him things wouldn’t have turned out like this between him and me in the first place! Argh? If I had to? “If you had to, if you had to” - you’re fucking annoying. I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NONE! He’s always alone without friends, so he entertains himself by involving others in his plans. THAT GETS ON MY FUCKING NERVES. I have no idea what he has on his mind. Though I don’t even want to know.
Question 3. Since when were you on such bad terms with each other?
Since when were we on such bad terms? Nah, it’s not like it was part of my plan to get on his bad side or anything. When you say “since when were you” you’re basically implying that I was on good terms with him once, aren’t you? The only thing we did together was having attended the same school. We never discussed manga together or had a heated battle on one of those game center machines. Between him and me it was always knives and fists and tricks and traps….huh? Sounds like we were friends? Oops, you’ve got one huge positive filter on your ears, Writer-san. Better not say that when you’re interviewing Shizu-chan, you know what I mean? If you want to see his reaction, though, I won’t go as far as to stop you. Yeah…Shizu-chan is probably one of the toys I found in a million. One of those I want to break but at the same time want to play with for longer.
Since when were we on such bad terms? Che… are you thinking I’ve ever been on good terms with him? I haven’t got the kind of big heart you need to be able to smile at and befriend someone who cuts me with a fucking knife upon the first meeting! He doesn’t give a damn that I want nothing more than to live a peaceful life. He always involves me in situations furthest from peaceful and watches with that annoying smile of his from a high place. Oh. I forgot to mention…I hate violence. Make FUCKING sure you include that in the report. Punching and kicking and throwing things around… AAARGH!? I TOLD YOU ALREADY! I HATE VIOLENCE! And I FUCKING HATE that flea bastard who makes me use it!
Question 4. People say you’re on “dog and monkey*” terms with each other. Do you consider yourself the dog or the monkey?
* “Dog and monkey” refers to people who are at loggerheads with each other.
If it’s between a dog and a monkey… I prefer the dog. Shizu-chan’s kind of like a monkey, carrying and throwing things around like that.
Dog and monkey… I’ll go with the monkey. I don’t enjoy making annoying sounds.
Question 5. Who would win in a serious fight between you two?
Who would win in a serious fight between us? That question is a little rude, don’t you think? Makes it sound like we’re always letting each other off the hook or something. Anyway… I’m always serious, you know? As for Shizu-chan… it’s hard to imagine how someone as protozoic as he is would intentionally let me off the hook or save the most fatal blow for the last. So I guess he’s serious too. But still, wouldn’t it be kind of a shame to end this so quickly? So I’m taking my time with him. Not to say that there aren’t intense moments…
Who would win in a serious fight between us, you ask? It’s not like I’m hitting him all these times just to see how good I am at it. Speaking of which, it’s not even about winning to fucking begin with. I have my reasons to not forgive him, and he has his reasons to be beaten up by me, that’s it. That’s why I’ll never just let him pass if he dares step into Ikebukuro again. I’m nothing short of a fucking genius when it comes to seeking him out. Heh… not that I’m proud of it or anything.
Question 6. Will you attack him when he’s sleeping?
I? Attack Shizu-chan? When he’s sleeping? Hahaha… probably! But he’s a wild animal, so chances are that he’s pretty sharp when it comes to this kind of thing. I’ve seen his sleeping face, though. It was kind of cute. Until veins began to pop out on it 0.5 second later, that is. Ah, it might have been my fault. You’re right, though - I could try to do things to him when he’s sleeping and see how he reacts…such as letting him wake up and find himself almost naked in the middle of 60-Story Street or a killing scene with a knife still in his hand. Ahh~speaking of which, there was this one I did enjoy…
I? Attack that flea? When he’s sleeping? Ahhh… I do know where his apartment is. Since it’s him I probably will… still not be able to do it. If he had that one ounce of humanness in him to let down his defenses even occasionally, things wouldn’t have turned out this way between him and me. - !!? He… saw my sleeping face!? THAT FLEA BASTARD! WHEN, WHERE, AT WHAT FUCKING POINT DID HE SEE IT!? Geh… speaking of which, it’s just so fucking him to be watching people with that fucking sense of superiority from where they can’t see him and giggle in the dark. How many fucking times has he been at it? Tehh… that’s why I said he had reasons to be beaten up by me, and I would never forgive him.
Question 7. Anything else to add?
Anything else, huh. Sure, sure. Heyyyy~Shizu-chan? How’s it going? Pretty good, I’d figure, since you just threw a trashcan at me a couple of hours ago. I can’t tell you how much I want you to just die already, but in case you’re planning to live longer, I’d suggest that you try to live more like a human. How’s that sound? If Shizu-chan becomes more like a human, there’s a chance that I might even like you a little bit better… see? (Insert crazy Izaya laugh here.)
Anything to add? How bothersome. …IIIIZAAAAYAAA-KUUUN~? Next time you step into Ikebukuro I’ll FUCKING KILL YOU - !! - I’ve been telling you that over and over for ages… But I ain’t mad. I just kind of wanna beat you up. Save your fucking annoying speech for yourself, just FUCKING LET ME BEAT YOU UP AND GO TO HELL FOR ME!!
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